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March 25th, 2005
08:43 pm - woah!
woah, i totally forgot about this journal. it was nearly a YEAR ago last time i wrote in here!! Holy shit.
this is the most depressing journal on the planet. what huge changes i was going through. it boggles my fucking mind. i was so buried.
i am so free now! like a bird. like a bird. like a bird.
yay
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May 24th, 2004
03:30 am
sick of writing in fucking shamanicybin. wtf is that anyways, i dont know.
what the fuck movie is this.
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January 11th, 2004
11:59 pm - Wonderful
Ah, a new community! welcome!!
Mmmmmm thai food aroi dee, a dee roi!
First off...
What is your favorite (or plural favoriteS is understandable; everything is so delicious!) Thai dish? I think personally, mine has always been pad see ew. They had the best rahn ahan pad see ew near my old school, and we would eat it everyday after school.
Close favorites are kuay tiaw rua, somtam/khaoneow/gai yaang, pad krapow and every kind of yum...
How about YOU? :)
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/mely/lemonfaces/smilec.gif) happy
Current Music: falling rain outside
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December 22nd, 2003
07:22 pm
oh, and also
Happy Winter Solstice!
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06:25 pm - yow!!
okay this is sooo ludicrous, i've lost my journal entry twice in 30 minutes... i'm never going to update livejournal without using semagic ever again!! jfkdlajcerjklaxxxcjskdlafjeiax
so this morning i woke up with a start ... the earth was shaking, and i was pretty sure i wasn't drunk. my next assumption was that a severely obese person was waddling down the hallway, but figured anyone who could possibly be that obese probably wouldn't be able to walk, so then i think that the fucking building is collapsing and i'm going to become a real pancake (i love pancakes!!). then it finally dawned on my slowly awaking mind: EaRTHQuAKE!!!!! with a preliminary magnitutde of 6.5 as i found out later. i jumped off the bunk bed and ran to the doorway smiling, i hadn't experienced an earthquake since that big one in '90 or '92 or '94 or whenever the hell it was. thankyou jebus for giving me a good ol' cali-for-nie-ay style earthquake before i left! it really brightened my spirits.
and whilst we're riding the smooth funky soulful rails of good news this evening .........
I FOUND MY PASSPORT!!!!
I'M GOING HOME!!!!!
tomorrow evening from SFO at 00:15 xmas eve.. i will arrive home on xmas.
in the meantime, everyone have a wonderful fucking x-mas and new years and all that shit.
i love you all, i really do.
PEACE!!
<3,
eileen
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December 20th, 2003
11:05 pm
richard is coming over to take out my hard drive...
i hope it does not get damaged on the airplane!!!!
*hugs hard drive*
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/mely/lemonfaces/dead.gif) drained
Current Music: esxs MY HOUSE IS YO HOUSE IS YO HOUSE IS MINE!! bang bam boom!!
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08:41 pm - leavin on a jet plane dont know when i'll be back again and shit like that
i am sitting here eating packets of saltines because all the eateries on campus are closed.... bastards.
Life is changing.
and fast !
such an emotional and stressful time for me this is
i've been breaking down and crying randomly everyday for the past week and a half ...
and i've kept my goodbyes to be very non-emotional, which is probably a bad thing because these pent up emotions are probably the cause for my erratic emotional outbursts
i tend to stay away from lj during these times, but alas this is what psyamesekat is for
i can't find my passport
everyone has left the dorms for the most part
alone, sad, sick, confused
giving away most my things clothes (GREAT CLOTHES) rice cookers sheets shoes ..
my computer monitor .... *hugs it* and printer ... and i cant get my pretty thumpradio sticker off my monitor either grrr ~~
if i planned this better i coulda made bank on ebay oh well.
material possesions i am glad to get rid of, its hard to be moving around all the time with so much usless CRAP
but oh so hard to let go ....
i will miss america. america is good. america is fun. me rikey land of free home of brave home of good sandwich and nice people fun music happy times.
but thailand much fun. psy scene kicking off there i will affiliate myself with the thai psy kru. attend the mahasongkran festival finally.
a good 8 months to do whatever the hell i want. along with therapy and improving life. probably will be sober for alot of it, which is a GOOD thing. i tend to be a binge drinker living in the dorms (fuck i lost my fucking TEETH what a FREAK for chrissake). i definitely developed a reputation that i don't want and that isn't me. eileen the drunk! drunk chick. blah blah bleh. what else. i will get back into music production no doubt. get more in touch with the spiritual side. this will be a MUCH needed break before i head back into the world and go to school. after my sabatical ....ideally i would like to go to sfstate and get a nice pad and a nice job and a running 4 wheel automobile. maybe figure out wtf i want to major in, something with journalism/computer stuff/music . maybe not. i dont even know what i want to do. jesssus. i am already nineteen. young it might seem, but the last time i remembered i was 17 and much hasnt changed since then, they've actually regressed.
it's hard to not feel like a total fucking loser for fucking up so bad. i just have to remember that people make mistakes, and that things will get better. but still in my head it's always ringing"fuck uppp!" le sigh. used all my parents money for school, failed, let them down, blah bleh blargh. im too hard on myself sometimes, or perhaps just hard enough? i take my failures to heart and let them weigh me down. blah blah.
what i will miss about csumb: the people. the area. monterey bay sunsets. the amazingly potent omni present marijuana. the super super high speed t3 lovely fucking internet.
but that's about it.
what i will miss about america: the people. the parties. the freedom. oh god, the freedom. living with my family again will be intense, but once again, much needed. the food. television (yes, tv is evil blah blah blah, but comedy central and the sci fi channel are truly sought after commodities that i will be dreaming of these next months... i fucking hate UBC! ... i love you south park.)
in the whole picture though, this shit is so trivial, but it's floating around in my mind and i thought i'd livejournal it out of my head and onto the WORLD WIDE WEB.
Current Mood: freaked out
Current Music: skazi - freak out
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December 13th, 2003
11:58 pm
so i keep trying to convince myself that this is the best thing for me
i have no foresight, and my hindsight is pretty blurry as of right now
on top of having one of the worst colds ive had in years (bed ridden and fever ladden for dayss.. :( )
i have to make a huge decision
its been made .. i still feel there is room for more change though .. i do not know.
so back to thailand i go, taking a semester off.
i really need it.
but i will miss america oh so much.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/mely/lemonfaces/mad.gif) frustrated
Current Music: thump.
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November 27th, 2003
06:28 am - fucking.sob.
so i'm still flipping out, that entry was probably the most important journal entry i've ever written. it's too much to bare. i crack at the smallest things these days. but this is big. i confessed my demons, figured my situation out, thought about life. i edited it over and over, and then bam. gah. now all i can do is complain? this is so hard to go over again, but i must.
and so i've been sitting here for 15 minutes, i can't do this.
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06:22 am
OH MY FUCKING GOD.
i just spent TWO AND A HALF HOURS writing an entry and now its FUCKING GONE.
GOD. DAMMIT.
the loss of that one made me cry, jesus. i just poured my heart out and wrote a fucking longgggg entry, and clicked on the goddamn picture option thingy and it erased fucking everything. fucking everything. my fucking god.
holy FUCK.
i guess....
impermanence.
this is my problem, i give up.
should i write it again?
fuck, why not.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/mely/lemonfaces/blue.gif) cold
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November 22nd, 2003
09:00 am
maybe i should move back to thailand and start producing music in a small thatched bungalow
or at my house
and become a hermit
and be all strange
but hot
and strange ...
Current Mood: cold
Current Music: mandalavandalz - ibiza
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05:00 am
you will find the meaning of life!
EYE will find consciousness what is where and are to be.
actually now that i think about it, this journal will solely be dedicated towards chicken and the curry it's sauteed in. or soaking in . whatever.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/mely/lemonfaces/mellow.gif) complacent
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psyamesek4t's journal